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Articles and Columns by California Newswire constributing editors
Opinion: National Racism Test in POTUS Run-Up
G on Politics (OPINION / Satire): A scientific test is being conducted to calculate the number of bigots, goons, oafs, fools, and fascists in the USA. The experiment takes place November 8. "There are nearly sixty-one million racists and morons in the United States." The speaker was Professor Ramon Estadística of the Institute of Records in Washington, D.C.
Opinion: Trump Spokesliar is a Hellish Job
G on Politics (OPINION/SATIRE): There are many stressful ways to make a living -- haz-mat team, bomb disposal squad, food-taster for Ann Coulter -- but perhaps the most daunting job in the world is Trump Apologist.
Opinion: Deep Throat 2016 – While drunk and stoned, a GOP operative spills the beans
G on Politics (OPINION: SATIRE) -- While drunk and stoned, a GOP operative spills the beans on some of the dank, dark secrets of members of the Treason Party. The title of this column has nothing to do with Linda Lovelace or the porn film that catapulted her to fame. Instead, it is a reference to Mark Felt, the high-ranking FBI official who provided crucial leads to Woodward and Bernstein.
Opinion: Aunt Thomasinas and Uncle Toms
G on Politics (OPINION): No matter how difficult your job, there are people who face bigger obstacles: like the Uncle Toms who betray their race in exchange for money and perks. Densmore Upton Davis is a man on a mission. His ambitious goal is the creation of a nationwide network of black republicans.
Opinion: Buying Trump Support on RWNJ Radio
G on Politics (OPINION): There are RWNJ radio bloviators who called for the GOP to rewrite their convention rules in order to rid the party of The Donald -- but then suddenly jumped aboard the Trump trainwreck. What gives?
Opinion: Thank You, Donald Trump
G on Politics (OPINION): An open letter to the leader of the political party that is becoming known as Goons Obstructing Progress. Dear Donald Trump: Thank you for putting so many things in perspective. Before you came along, it appeared that many people failed to acknowledge the pestilence known as Conservatism.
Opinion: Will the Ape Debate Hillary?
G on Politics (opinion/satire): Whether or not Donald Trump chickens out of debating Hillary Clinton, Americans are already judging the speeches, statements, and pronouncements of the sane candidate and the angry orange orangutan.
Opinion: Trump Translated – what is the actual meaning of his word-salad rants?
G on Politics (OPINION/satire): Donald Trump, current leader of the Know-Nothing Party, can be described in five words: extremely loud and dangerously gross. When he speaks, phrases are strung together in ways that sometimes resemble English sentences. But what is the actual meaning of his word-salad rants?
Opinion: Conservatism, Thy Name is Trump
G on Politics (OPINION/satire): In an 'off the record' conversation, a drunken GOP advisor reveals the truth about how Trump represents the Conservative movement. "This is totally off the record," the GOP campaign operative said between shots of Don Q Single Barrel Rum. Although it came out more like "Thiz toally off the recor."
Opinion: GOP Speeches are 110-percent Original
G on Politics (opinion/satire): All New! All Improved! All Original! That's how GOP officials are describing the content of Conservative statements and speeches. After the brouhaha over Melania Trump's plagiarizing of Michelle Obama's address to the 2008 Democratic convention, there has been more active scrutiny of all comments from Conservatives.
Opinion: Klaatu Talks Trump and Tiny Hands
G on Politics (Opinion/Satire): Is it possible to get an unbiased opinion of the 2016 presidential race? Yes! We interviewed Klaatu, the character from "Day the Earth Stood Still." The term "hevaltaagu" roughly translates as "American political conservative" or, alternately, "stupid beyond belief."
Opinion: Hitler Talks Trump and 2016 Race
G on Politics (opinion): Time for some pithy observations about the 2016 race for the U.S. presidency from a great scholar and lovely woman, political historian Alicia Sarah Hitler. (You didn't think we meant that other Hitler, did you?)
Opinion: GOP Flips and Flops
G on Politics (opinion): Conservative 'principles' are revealed when right-wingers endorse Donald Trump after condemning him as the worst thing since polio. Low-information voters in America are sometimes surprised when conservatives reveal that they have no morality....
Opinion: Ivanka Trumps Reality
G on Politics (opinion): In her public statements, Ivanka Trump says her deranged and bigoted father is actually a good guy who has elevated the political debate this year. She has not yet said if she also believes the earth is flat and the moon is made of green cheese.
Opinion: Eeek, a Trumpenstein Monster!
G on Politics (opinion): Now that Donald Trump has emerged as the presumptive presidential nominee for the Republican Party, there are alarm bells going off inside anyone with a soul or an I.Q. above 80. There are so many things to fear.
Opinion: Toxic People Find Hillary Toxic
G on Politics (opinion): There is nothing too vile for right-wing nut-jobs to say or do in attacking Hillary Clinton, as evidenced by their three-decade-long hissy fit against the former first lady, senator, and Secretary of State. Here are some points to counter the bat-crap crazies of the GOP.
Opinion: UFO meets GOP
G on Politics (opinion/satire): Alien life forms in unidentified flying objects swoop past earth from time to time, just checking things out. As one might expect of highly advanced beings, they are not pleased by what they see.
Opinion: Trump Hunts Delegates
G on Politics (opinion): The race for the nomination of the Treason Party is heading toward a strange finish line called an 'open convention' or a 'contested convention.' Here is what will happen when irresistible farce (Trump) meets immovable idiot (Cruz).
Opinion: GOP Campaign Diaries
G on Politics (opinion/satire): Bombshell revelations of sex and drugs! Oodles of behind-the-scenes rumor and innuendo! Here are the totally true but entirely fabricated diary entries from high-ranking or perhaps nonexistent members of the right-wing nut-job bigot brigade.
Opinion: Nut Runs for President as 'Unity Candidate'
G on Politics (opinion/satire): Republican Party leaders are on the lookout for a so-called "unity candidate" for president. My friend Nate has selflessly offered himself for the job. I selflessly offered to interview him.
Opinion: One Teeny Tiny Problem with a Trump Presidency
G on Politics (Opinion): Card-carrying members of the GOP are divided over the idea of backing Donald Trump for president. Some oppose him whole-heartedly. Others support him half-heartedly. Less, even. Eighth-heartedly. Sixteenth-heartedly. And for good reason.
Opinion: Cutthroat Politics at Hillmont Elementary School
G on Politics (opinion): The race for Student Body President of Hillmont Elementary School was contentious. Candidates hurled accusations at each other on a regular basis and every day brought new ugly rumors of vicious whisper-gossip campaign tactics.
Opinion: The Making of a Conservative
G on Politics (opinion): Are Conservatives evil from nature or nurture? What turns a normal, decent human being into a Republican? While some people are born bad, the main problem comes from kids being raised in the oppressive atmosphere of a rightwing household.
Opinion: Chris Matthews and the New Economy of Language
G on Politics (opinion): As the insightful and entertaining host of 'Hardball,' airing daily on MSNBC, Chris Matthews has awards and accolades galore. But lately he has slipped into two annoying habits: he clips syllables from words he speaks, and he cuts off words from the sentences of his guests.
Opinion: It's Jeb! From Those Friendly Folks Who Gave You the Iraq War
G on Politics (opinion): Many are questioning the decision by a current presidential candidate (the one calling itself "Jeb!") to showcase a failed former president (the one known as "W?") in his campaign.
Opinion: Marco Rubio and the GOP Work Ethic
G on Politics (opinion): Marco Rubio often doesn't show up for work. Instead of a pay cut or a demotion, he has been elevated to competing for the most important job in the world. Imagine how much better your life would be if you could take the same lazy approach to your work.
Entertainment Review: Jackie Chan’s ‘The Myth’
FILM REVIEW: Billed as a mix between "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "The Mummy," and "Hero," the new Jackie Chan movie, "The Myth" isn't quite any of those, but is unique in its own indelible "Chanesque" style. "The Myth," screened for industry and media on June 26th at the Arclight Cinema in preparation for a fall 2007 release is actually an English dubbed version of a Chinese release from 2005.
