In an ‘off the record’ conversation, a drunken GOP advisor reveals the truth about how Trump represents the Conservative movement.

Conservatism, Thy Name is Trump

“This is totally off the record,” the GOP campaign operative said between shots of Don Q Single Barrel Rum. Although it came out more like “Thiz toally off the recor.”

“Okay, it’s off the record,” the blogger said to him. I just nodded at him but it wasn’t clear if he could focus well enough to see me.

“We’re talking deep background, baby,” the GOPer added for emphasis, except it came out more like “dee packgroun, baybee.”

“Sure,” the blogger said.

“So, no names, no places, no dates, no times, no names, no hints, and no names, right?”


“No, you have to promise,” he said, except it came out more like “Naw y’hafta proms.”

“I proms,” the blogger said.

“Him, too,” the man said, pointing vaguely in my direction.

“Fingers crossed and hope to lie,” I told him in my most sincere tone of voice. He nodded and did another shot.

“So, what do you think about Donald Trump?” the blogger asked.

“Total jerk.”

“Uh huh.”

“Like a baboon on an acid trip.”

“Go on.”

“Y’know what I think?” he asked us, his voice getting a little too loud.

“What do you think?” the blogger asked him.

“I think that this time we’ve really done it. I mean, we have absofreakinlutely done it. DONE IT!”

“What have you done?”

“We have achieved perfectly perfect perfection.”

“With Donald Trump?”

“Thas right, with the Trumpster!”

“Right,” the blogger said soothingly. “You say that Trump is perfect. Tell me more about that.”

“Trump. Is. Perfect. Not like the others. Oh sure, we came close in the past. We had some candidates who were nutsy-goofus, like Reagan. And we had some candidates who were complete liars, like Nixon. And we had some racists, like Nixon and Reagan.”

“Yes, you did. And…?”

“And we had some mean SOBs like Nixon and Cheney and McCain.”

“Yes, indeed.”

“I mean, wow,” the GOP operative said, “Cheney was the biggest liar of a pres’dent.”

“Cheney was a Veep.”

“Aaaugh, get outta here with that crap. Dubya was just a puppet. Cheney ran that show.”

“Right, right,” the blogger told him. “What about Trump?”

“Trump.” he said. “Trump!” he said again and took another shot. “Trump is the grandest. He’s the one. I mean he is absofreakinlutely the best of the bunch.”

“Tell us why Trump is the best,” the blogger said.

“He’s got it all!”


“He. Has. Got. It. All!”

“Go on.”

“All righty,” he said. “I will do that.” He took another shot and stared off into space.

The blogger and I exchanged glances. After a few seconds, the blogger leaned forward to get the man back on topic: “You said Trump has got it all. What do you mean by that?”

“Okay, okay, look, there’s a checklist. And he’s all checked off.”

“A checklist?”

“A checklist. It’s a checklist of attabutes.”




“Attributes! Yes! Trump has scored the top score of the checklist score of attabutes.”

“Trump is the best on the checklist.”

“Damn right you are!”

“You’re saying Trump has the top score.”

“Oh yeah!”

“What’s on the checklist?”

“Whattaya mean?”

“You said Trump is the top scorer on the checklist of attributes. What’s on the checklist?”

“Oh, okay, okay, okay,” he said. “Here’s the deal. The GOP wants candidates who check off as many of the items as poss’ble. Look at how well Trump does. Ignorant — check. Racist — check. Missogist — check.”

“You mean misogynist?”

“Right, that one too — check. Liar — check. Loudmouth — check. Appeals to hate groups — check. In favor of rich guys — check. Pretends to be for the people — check. Pretends to be religious — check. Loves violence — check. Incapable of rational thought — check.” He paused for breath and his eyes glazed over.

The blogger and I exchanged glances again. Should we prompt the inebriated oaf or just let him slump there at the bar? Fortunately, he drifted back to his monologue.

“Trump!” shouted the GOP campaign staffer. “Trump is the double triple trifecta of trash, tripe, twaddle, and trash. I tell you, ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump is everything the GOP has been driving toward for years!”

The blogger surreptitiously checked his pocket digital recorder, making sure he was getting all this.

“So,” I said slowly, “you’re saying that Trump is… what, exactly?”

“Donald J. Trump is the perfect Conservative candidate because he perfectly represents Conservatism. The right finally got it completely right!”

And with that the man laid his head down on the bar. The blogger looked at me for a second, shrugged, and leaned over while holding his digital recorder in front of the guy’s face.

“So you’re saying,” the blogger whispered, “that Trump is magnificently moronic, right?”

“Wha-? Yeah, yeah. Magficent moron.”

“You’re saying that Trump is stupendously stupid.”

“Yeah. Doesn’t know anything.”

“You’re saying that Trump is bigly bigoted.”

“Yeah-up. Big spigot of bigot.”

“And that makes Donald Trump an ideal GOP presidential candidate.”

“Wha-? Yeah, perfectly perfect. Lemmie sleepy now.”

“Yes, nighty-night,” the blogger told him. “Sweet dreams.”

The blogger switched off his recorder. “Now we’ve got an interesting problem,” he said to me.

“How so?” I asked.

“This was on background.”

“Not for me,” I said. “I told him ‘fingers crossed and hope to lie,’ remember?”

“Yeah, but he was drunk.”

“Not my problem.”

“I still don’t think we can’t use this.”

“Then why did you record it?”

“Well,” he said, glancing around the bar. “You never know when something like this will come in handy.”

“Like when?”

“Like if I want a job working for the GOP,” he said. “Bet they’d pay a lot to suppress this story.”


* * *

Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).

This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.