All New! All Improved! All Original! That’s how GOP officials are describing the content of Conservative statements and speeches.

GOP Speeches are 110-percent Original

After the brouhaha over Melania Trump’s plagiarizing of Michelle Obama’s address to the 2008 Democratic convention, there has been more active scrutiny of all comments from Conservatives.

We here at California Newswire have looked into the situation and can assure you that the right-wing contingent is doing everything properly, correctly, respectfully, and completely on the up-and-up. See for yourself:

Donald Trump:

On the campaign trail at least three days each week, The Donald is often found addressing a crowd in an airplane hangar, where his calls for unconstitutional and racist acts are duly noted by the media and then ignored by a majority of Americans.

Trump sometimes takes a line made famous by John F. Kennedy (“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country”) but alters it to read: “Ask not what your country can do for your company; ask what your country will let you outsource to get done for your company at a lower cost.”

Don Trump, Junior:

Rapidly becoming known as a modern day sage and a truly deep, deep thinker of thoughts and other deep ideas, the Junior Don has been defending his stepmother as much as possible.

To do so, he has revised a quote from George Santayana (“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”) to read as follows: “Those who rejoice in learning from the past are compelled to repeat some of it. Perhaps even going so far as to repeat a couple dozen words in a row. You see,” he said, “it’s a history thing.”

Paul Manafort:

Trump’s campaign chairman and former advisor to dictators and strongmen, Manafort likes to return to a quote made famous by Franklin Delano Roosevelt (“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”)

Manafort puts his own spin on FDR’s line by stating: “Fear itself is the only thing we have to be afraid of, and I can assure you that we’re going to make you very afraid of it.”

Mike Pence:

The former governor of Indiana is currently Donald Trump’s hostage — er, running mate. As such he is going around the country speaking to throngs of Republicans and whoever can be paid to show up.

He is fond of quoting from a Martin Luther King speech (“I have a dream”) and he is quite faithful right up to the end of the paragraph.

Pence said, “I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together as we remove the voting rights of colored people and take away women’s reproductive rights. I tell you, I have a dream.”

Roger Ailes:

Chairman of the Fox Fake News Channel, where he is known and revered as Mr. Jabba-the-Hutt, Ailes has been rumored to be on his way out from his highly overpaid position because of charges of sexual harassment.

Of late he has been using a Maya Angelou quote (“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”) but Ailes has been altering it slightly, saying, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you felt them up.”

In Conclusion:

We chatted with an aide to Ivanka Trump who assured us that “When you assess the statements of all these fine upstanding Americans, you can see that the finest true values of Conservatism are on display.”

“Is that because Conservatism wants to turn back the clock?” I asked.

“Exactly,” he said.

“How far back?”

“To about 1850,” he said.

“Before copying machines,” I said.

“Exactly,” he replied.


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Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).

This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.