Donald Trump, current leader of the Know-Nothing Party, can be described in five words: extremely loud and dangerously gross. When he speaks, phrases are strung together in ways that sometimes resemble English sentences. But what is the actual meaning of his word-salad rants?

Opinion: Trump Translated
Is it possible to run a major political campaign using undefined slogans, unconstitutional proposals, and bigoted rhetoric? For a conservative, apparently, yes!

That’s what has happened in the Party of Stupid as they have kowtowed to the malignant misshapen mass of bile known as Donald J. Trump, the blubbery reality TV star and holder of both sides of most issues.

What, exactly, does Trump mean when he pops off with one ridiculous statement after another? We’re here to help with some translations from Trumpspeak into English.

Trumpspeak: “We’re going to build a wall.”

English: “We’re going to form a company that will charge the government billions to build some fencing that will only cost millions. It will be a great deal. Nobody makes deals like I do. Nobody.”

Trumpspeak: “Our leaders are weak.”

English: “I don’t agree with the policies of our leaders so I call them weak. Weak is bad. I mean weak is bad, very bad. When I take over, you won’t believe how hard and strong and tough I’m going to be on some of those people. I mean, I am going to be so hard, so tough, that I can tell you.”

Trumpspeak: “American doesn’t win anymore.”

English: “We’re going to screw our trade partners until there’s a war, which will be good for the military-industrial complex as well as many other businesses such as funeral parlors. Which is why we’re introducing Trump Coffins. Wanna know the slogan? Trump Coffins — the best buys in bye-byes. It’s cute, right?”

Trumpspeak: “Our leaders are stupid.”

English: “I can’t believe that the people in our government haven’t figured out a way to make a buck off this ruling thing. I will make such great deals. Wait, wait — excuse me. I’ll give you an example: not paying for the national debt. Billions saved, just like that. It’ll be so easy, so easy.”

Trumpspeak: “Political correctness is killing our country.”

English: “Conservative policies are fiscally raping our country but if we can blame it on something vague like ‘political correctness’ then maybe no one will notice. It’s a rigged system, folks. It’s a rigged system.”

Trumpspeak: “I am the law-and-order candidate.”

English: “Eeek, Muslims! Eeek, gays! Eeek, Hispanics! Eeek, Blacks! Eeek, immigrants! Eeek, women! Eeek, college students! Eeek, education! Eeek, books! Eeek, facts!”

Trumpspeak: “We are going to bring back our jobs.”

English: “As long as you people start taking jobs that pay twenty-seven cents an hour we are going to bring back all the jobs that were shipped overseas. All the jobs. But wages are too high. They’re too high. We have to do something. We have to do it. Have to do it. And we will. Bigly. Believe me.”

Trumpspeak: “Islam has such hatred of us.”

English: “I am one of the reasons Islam has such hatred of us, so if you hate me, you love the Muslims who are trying to kill us.”

Trump Voters 2016

Trumpspeak: “With Obama, there’s something going on. There’s something going on.”

English: “The president is BLACK! And the people he and Hillary want to let into this country are BLACK and BROWN! So if you’re voting for Hillary, you’re voting for this country turning black and brown. It’s true. It’s true. It’s a problem, people, it’s a really, really bad problem.”

Trumpspeak: “We’re going to take out ISIS.”

English: “This is the one thing that that loser John McCain got right: Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran. Or wherever the hell they are. We have to bomb them and take out their wives and children and waterboard them and bomb them some more. We have to be vicious, folks. We have to be vicious. We have no choice. No choice.”

Trumpspeak: “I AM YOUR VOICE!”

English: “I am your spleen. I am your neck. I am your ears. I am your liver. I am your upper and lower intestines. I am your lungs. I am your pancreas. I am your big toes. I am your coccyx. I am your phlegm.”

Trumpspeak: “We’re going to get rid of Obamacare and replace it with something really terrific.”

English: “And everyone gets a rainbow-covered unicorn pony. That I can tell you.”


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Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).

This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.