A scientific test is being conducted to calculate the number of bigots, goons, oafs, fools, and fascists in the USA. The experiment takes place November 8.
“There are nearly sixty-one million racists and morons in the United States.” The speaker was Professor Ramon Estadística of the Institute of Records in Washington, D.C.
“How did you determine that figure?” I inquired.
“That’s the number of people who voted for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan in November of 2012.”
“So,” I said, “by only counting the sub-human creatures that voted for Unfit Mitt and Lyin’ Ryan, you think the number of racists and morons is just sixty-one million?”
“Well, sixty point nine million, to be more precise,” he said.
“What about all the racists and morons who didn’t vote?” I asked. “What about the children of racists and morons — don’t forget the coming generation of conservatards.”
“Well,” the professor admitted, “it’s true that the figure is probably low because of the factors you mentioned, but hey, who’s counting? Oh wait, we are! That’s a little statistical joke,” he added.
“Yes,” I said. “Very little.”
“Fortunately, we are about to be involved with some very exciting information-gathering,” the professor stated. “The U.S. is conducting another test to calculate the total number of white supremacists, thugs, cretins, and idiots in the fifty states. The data will be collected on Tuesday, November 8, 2016 and reported to the nation that night. It’s all very exciting.”
“There is one small problem with this.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Americans do not like tests,” I said. “Calling it a test might discourage people from voting.”
“Ah,” the professor said. “So let’s call this a research project.”
“No, that sounds like work.”
“Well, we might label it a personality quiz.”
“That’s better,” I said.
“Or perhaps a ‘snoop on your neighbor’ sting operation.”
“Now you’re talking,” I told him.
“In any case, it’s a systematic inquiry — I mean a peek through the keyhole — in which all Americans of voting age can participate.”
“Good,” I said, “so how will you be judging the results?”
“Quite simple,” the professor told me. “Every vote for candidates in the party with the racist and stupid policies will be compared with votes for people who support equality and justice.”
“Don’t we do that every election?”
“Yes,” he admitted, “but this will be the first year in which we will quantify the cretin vote and correctly identify it through real-time metrics.”
“I see,” I told him. “And are there any tips for Americans voting in this election?”
“Certainly,” he said. “If a candidate has an ‘R’ after their name, that’s a racist.”
“That’s pretty easy to remember,” I said.
“Not for idiots,” he said. “And in America, you have a lot of those.”
“Yes,” I admitted. “Yes we do.”
“In fact,” the professor continued, “there are entire sections of your nation that are known as ‘moron majority’ states and ‘moron majority’ districts.”
“Oh, I like the term ‘moron majority.’ Cuts right to the main problems in America: the stupidity and ignorance of the right-wing nut-job base. How do you account for this deplorable situation?”
“Your nation’s disparagement of education is a big problem,” the professor said.
“What does your research show about the education problem in America?” I inquired.
“For a great many years now, Republicans have attacked teachers. Republicans have attacked educational standards. Republicans have attacked funding for schools. Republicans have attacked funding for pre-schools. Republicans have removed historical facts from textbooks. Republicans deny science. Republicans distort facts. Republicans make up their own erroneous factoids and broadcast them widely and repeatedly.”
“So,” I asked, “what can we conclude from all this?”
“It’s obvious! I can state unequivocally that–” At this point his cell phone rang. “Excuse me a second,” he told me and then took the call. “Hello? Yes. How much? Uh-huh, I see. Well, thank you.” He hung up and turned back to me. “So, you were saying?”
“No,” I said, “you were talking about the causes of educational decline in the United States.”
“Well, the data is inconclusive.”
“What? Wait, who was on that phone call?”
“Oh, that was someone in the Georga-Pacific organization,” he said. “You know, the people who make AngelSoft toilet tissue and Brawny paper towels.”
“That company is owned by the Koch brothers, two of the biggest anti-American douchebags in our country.”
“Yes, well, I believe you’re right that Georgia-Pacific is owned by the Kochs,” he admitted.
“And they’re in touch with you, why?” I inquired.
“I’ve just been retained to oversee their educational outreach program for this state.”
“Which means you’re going to be paid for trying to cut back on education.”
“No, no, no,” he assured me. “I’m going to be paid to influence others to cut back on education. That’s the way our political process works.”
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Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).
This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on CaliforniaNewswire.com – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.