While drunk and stoned, a GOP operative spills the beans on some of the dank, dark secrets of members of the Treason Party.
The title of this column has nothing to do with Linda Lovelace or the porn film that catapulted her to fame. Instead, it is a reference to Mark Felt, the high-ranking FBI official who provided crucial leads to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the Washington Post reporters who broke the Watergate story that helped remove a right-wing nut-job douchebag from the White House.
Mr. Felt departed this mortal plane a few years ago but his spirit lives on in the person I will call DT2016. He may or may not be serving in government; he may or may not be a card-carrying member of the Republican National Committee.
Details of how we met in secret under cover of night are not important, nor is a cataloguing of the copious amounts of alcohol and various other substances that the guy was seen to have imbibed prior to our rendezvous.
The place we inhabited during our conversation shall also remain unidentified but I cannot refrain from thanking the owner of a certain newspaper who allowed us to use the company’s bomb shelter for our consultation.
“Okay,” I said to him between shots. “What if I give you some names and you tell me what you know about those people?”
“Boy howdy!”
“So, that’s a ‘yes’?”
“Oh yeah. Shoot, babes.”
And here is how it went:
On Donald Trump:
“There is no truth to the rumor that Donald Trump is made out of reanimated body parts dug up from the graves of Richard Nixon and Benedict Arnold.”
“Interesting,” I said.
“Yeah, that story is actually about Mitch McConnell.”
“That makes sense,” I admitted.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “but what is true about the Donald is that he’s now wearing prosthetic hands so they look more normal-sized.”
“Are you kidding?”
“Hey,” he said, “I’m just telling you what I heard.”
On Paul Ryan:
“What a joke. Guy can barely do fourth grade arithmetic and he’s the so-called intellectual leader of Conservatism. It’s a total put-on!”
“He does seem ‘special’ whenever he talks,” I admitted.
“Paul Ryan is known as ‘remedial math boy’ to all the staffers.”
On Ted Cruz:
“Great guy! Super-duper! Love that man!”
“Really?” I replied.
“Yeah. Well, no, not really.”
“I didn’t think so. Very few people can tolerate him.”
“But he has got the greatest collection of porn I have ever seen and he’s happy to share it with any Republican who will talk to him.”
“Ted Cruz is a porn hound?” I asked.
“Damn right.”
“Is it good porn or bad porn?”
“He’s got everything!”
“Everything?”
“Everything! Even kiddie porn, although I don’t like that stuff. Kind of icky, you know? Maybe it’s because I’ve got children. When you’re raising a family, just the sight of a kid makes sex the last thing you think about, you know what I mean?”
I told him I did.
On Tom Cotton:
“Ohmyfreakinggod what an a-hole. Shoulda been put on trial for treason.”
“It’s not too late for that,” I pointed out.
“Nah, it’ll never happen.”
“Really?”
“Nope. Look, the Cons are happy that Cotton’s a traitor, and they’re even happier that he got away with it. And the Dems are too namby-pamby to do anything about it. Hell, they didn’t even go after the people who began plotting treason at that meeting on the night of Obama’s inauguration.”
“You mean the meeting at the Caucus Room restaurant in January of 2009 where sub-human creatures like Paul Ryan, Tom Coburn, Bob Corker, Frank Luntz, Jim DeMint, and Kevin McCarthy hatched the ‘Let’s Obstruct Obama’ plan?”
“And Newt! Don’t forget that Newt was there, too.”
“Oh right,” I said. “Conservatives went from putting out a Contract With America to taking out a Contract On America.”
“Right. And it worked! Americans now hate Washington and politics,” he said.
“Instead, they should hate Conservatives and Republicans,” I said.
“Yeah, but they won’t because most Americans are stupid.”
“I see,” I said.
“Dumb,” he added. And then: “Sheep.” And then: “Simpletons.” And then, shouted: “Clueless!”
On Louie Gohmert:
“Wow, speaking of clueless, Louie Gohmert practically defines clueless. I mean, shoot, a lot of Cons are crazy for Christ, and all of ’em are crazy for cash, but Louie is just crazy, period. Not sure what Gohmert is on. Chlorpromazine, maybe. Whatever it is, some people say he’s supposedly arranging for it to be added to the water supply in his district.”
“Are you going to warn people who live there?”
“Hey, if they’re idiotic enough to elect Gohmert they deserve whatever they get.”
On Joni Ernst:
“You know how she had that campaign commercial where she bragged about castrating hogs?”
“Who can forget?” I replied.
“Well, she still castrates hogs on evenings and weekends.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“Yeah, but she also castrates dogs that she ‘rescues’ from the Pound.”
“You’re not serious?”
“Yuppers. But hey — you didn’t hear it from me. Zip, mum’s the word. The ‘big guys’ think she’s got a real future in the Republican Party.”
“Well sure,” I said. “I can see that.”
On Jason Chaffetz:
“Wait ’til somebody exposes his secret ties to the KKK.”
“Jason Chaffetz is a member of the Klan?” I asked.
“Shhh, I’m not supposed to say anything about that.”
On Trey Gowdy:
“Jeeze Louise that guy is as stupid as his haircut.”
On state and local GOP candidates:
“These collections of animal droppings should come with warning labels.”
“What kind of warnings would be on the labels?” I asked.
“Oh, something like ‘GOP fiscal policies may bankrupt your state.’ Something like that.”
“That would be helpful,” I said.
“Yeah, or it could say ‘If you thought priests were pedophiles, wait ’til you see Republican congressmen.’ Things like that.”
“That would be a public service,” I said.
“Damn right,” he said. “Whew, it’s hot in here,” he said. “I need a drink,” he said. “You’re not going to publish any of this, are you?”
* * *
Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles running up to the 2016 political election may contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual).
This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on CaliforniaNewswire.com – a publication of Neotrope® – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Illustrations by and © JSG. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author.
