Like every conservative, Trump uses words to fool the dim-witted. Here is a quick peek at the hidden meanings behind some of the Trump blather, bunk, baloney, hokum, hooey, and humbug.

Trump-Speak Trickery

And … here … we … go:

  1. “Believe me.”

Although this phrase has always been a part of political speechifying, it has emerged as one of Donald Trump’s specialties (although he often pronounces it “buhlieve me”). When Trump uses this phrase it means, “I made up the crap I just said a moment ago but I think you’re too stupid to know better and you’re definitely too lazy to go look up the facts.”

  1. “I won in a landslide.”

This is absolutely true — if by landslide you mean that you lost the popular vote and eked out an Electoral College victory.

  1. “I got a small loan from my father…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know the story you’d like us to accept: that you were born poor, raised alone in the wilderness, and succeed by grit and determination. And now here you are, attempting to make the USA cuddle up to Vladimir Putin, one of the world’s great despots and crooks. Yes, dear Donny, you truly represent The American Dream. But getting your start in business with a multi-million-dollar “loan” from your family makes you a Richie Rich, not an Average Joe.

  1. “That I can tell you…”

The Trumpster probably thinks it means “I’m letting you in on a little secret” but in reality it means “The lie I just told you sounds like it could be true so we’ll just leave it at that.” To people like Donny Doofus, words are sometimes used as a kind of verbal drumroll to call attention to the speaker’s supposed importance.

  1. “I never said that.”

Trump says this whenever he’s asked about something he said that is suddenly inconvenient. When called out on it, Trump says, “The media is so dishonest. Buhlieve me.”

  1. “We’re going to drain the swamp.”

It is impossible to know what the conservative base of morons and bigots thought Mr. Hair-Do meant by that statement. Normal and decent people thought it meant he was going to rid Washington of lobbyists. But in addition to welcoming lobbyists, Trump has embraced liars, cheats, plutocrats, greedwhores, and the woefully inept. Trump’s cabinet appointments are an odious cabal of such anti-Americans as Rex Tillerson, Rick Perry, Steve Bannon, Betsy DeVos, Jeff Sessions, Steven Mnuchin, and other denizens of — and believers in — the Fox Fake News Network, NotVeryBrightBart, WorldNutDaily, and InfoMars. Don-Don, you’re not draining the swamp — you’re pouring on several extra-thick double-sticky layers of putrid scum.

  1. “A lot of people are saying…”

For the Trumpster, this means “I saw something on the Internet and it matches the conservative crap I’m currently spouting, so now I’m repeating it and you people are so dense you might just buy it — and speaking of buying, let me tell you about some great deals on Trump ties, Trump water, and Trump steaks.”

  1. “Make America Great Again.”

There is some argument here. For some, it is clear that Trump says this to mean “Make America Hate Again.” But other people are a little more traditional so they believe Trump says this to mean “Make America White Again.” Either way, the phrase is a gooey part of the Trump word-salad s#!tstorm.

  1. “Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing bing.”

Well, okay, we’ll give Trump that one because it’s right up there with The Beatles’ “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.”

  1. “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

First of all, just let me say: ew. Next, it should be noted that Trump won the votes of people who like to claim that they believe in “family values.” And again: ew.

  1. “Everybody thinks so.”

Well, no, not everybody thinks the way you do — just everybody who squeezes inside the hermetically-sealed ignorance-bubble surrounding the Trumpster Diving Team.

  1. “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.”

It’s hard to know where to begin on this one. We could mock him by making similar statements, like this one: “The concept of gravity was created by defense contractors to make guided missiles more expensive.” Or this: “The concept of methamphetamine was created by sofa manufacturers to keep Americans away from the gym.” But perhaps sarcasm isn’t needed in this case because the Trumpster’s statement is just so incredibly f#@king stupid.

  1. “Now I don’t need your vote.”

Hmm, there’s something odd about that Trump statement. What is it? Oh I know: it is truthful! Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that.

  1. “One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”

Yipes, another true statement from The Trumpster! We have obviously fallen into The Outer Zone of Twilight Limits. (Please note: The Outer Zone of Twilight Limits is an entirely new thing and not in any way related to The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits television shows. It is completely, fully, and totally different. Totally. Different. Buhlieve me.)


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Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles may/likely contain intentional satire, by author John Scott G, and not fully based on actual fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% factual). Hopefully you can tell the difference?

This opinion piece is Copr. © 2016 by John Scott G and originally published on – a publication of The Neotrope® News Network – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author. Editorial collage image by and Copr. © John Scott G.