Research demonstrates that a conservative differs from a normal human being in a number of ways. Note: ‘Normal human being’ means someone with a soul and an I.Q. above 70.
A conservative is a strange creature. As you can see by their actions in Congress and in state houses across the country, conservatives do not care for pesky little things like equality, fairness, justice, truth, veracity, or democracy. It was only recently that my fabricated think tank, The Heretic Foundation, discovered the reason for this: Conservatives do not recognize objective reality.
According to a fully spellchecked Position Paper issued by the aforementioned highly-regarded and very prestigious organization, rightwing nutjobs view the world through something called Conservative Virtual Reality Lenses, or ConVirtReaL. As my completely scientific research proves, conservatives submit their children to ConVirtReaL implant surgery within the first 12 months of life (often instead of receiving vaccinations for hepatitis, measles, mumps, and rubella).
The results of ConVirtReal have been spectacular, albeit in a horror story sort of way. For example, a decent human being looks at Donald Trump and sees a prime example of greed and avarice, but a conservative sees Trump as “an example of good ol’ ‘Muricun bidness.”
A good person looks at Trump and sees an ugly bloated mass of bile, but a conservative sees an ugly bloated mass of bile that makes them feel better about their own stupidity.
A decent person sees Trump refusing to release his tax returns and concludes that the bloviator-in-chief must be hiding something, but conservatives see this and respond by saying, “Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!” (Note: some answers have been translated from the Conservatardese.)
Everywhere you look, you can see examples of the way reality has been perverted in the conservative noggin:
TRUMP IS BREAKING THE CONSTITUTION’S EMOLUMENTS CLAUSE. A normal person wonders when impeachment proceedings will begin but a conservative shrugs and says “the public don’t care about the immunization cause.”
TRUMP WASTES TAXPAYER MONEY AT HIS GOLF RESORTS. A normal person suggests that Trump should practice his putts on the White House lawn but a conservative says that a president needs down time from the intense pressure of working for the betterment of dictators and rightwing thugs around the world.
THE GOP HEALTHCARE BILL IS A MASSIVE TAX BREAK FOR THE RICH. A normal person says this is anti-American but a conservative says “Them that’s gots, gets more.”
GOP PLANS TO REMOVE HEALTHCARE FROM 23,000,000 CITIZENS. A normal person says this is harmful to the country but a conservative says, “A strong fiscal policy is necessary for ‘Murica, so git yer own damn healthcare!”
CONSERVATIVES ALLOW WATER AND AIR POLLUTION TO INCREASE. A normal person says this will cause pain and suffering but a conservative says, “Hey, I’m a-breathin’ and a-drinkin’ jest fine ‘n’ dandy right now so no worries.”
EPA DIRECTOR SCOTT PRUITT DOESN’T CARE IF THE FOSSIL FUEL INDUSTRY HARMS THE EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE. A normal person sees this as counter-productive for humanity but a conservative sees this as increasing opportunities for a great many industries, presumably including hospitals, funeral parlors, gravediggers, etc.
GOP FISCAL POLICIES ENCOURAGE WALL STREET GREED. A decent human being knows this will hurt America but a conservative says something about breaking eggs to make omelets made out of money. (Or something. My apologies, but please remember that we’re trying to translate from a sub-human system of communication.)
GOP POLICIES SEEK TO DESTROY THE NATION’S PUBLIC EDUCATION SYSTEM. A normal person knows this is not a good idea but a conservative says, “A-B-C, Jesus! 1-2-3, Jesus! See, we is all edumacated.”
TRUMP AND THE RETHUGLICAN SENATE INSTALLED A WHITE SUPREMACIST AS ATTORNEY GENERAL. A normal person says this is un-American but a conservative says, “White makes right.”
REPUBLICANS CHEAT IN ELECTIONS AND RESTRICT OR REMOVE VOTERS’ RIGHTS. A normal person says this is un-American but a conservative says, “White makes right.”
REPUBLICANS COLLUDED WITH RUSSIA. A normal person says this is treasonous but a conservative says, “If dems did it, that would be treason; when we do it, that’s just politics.”
THE GOP BLEW UP SENATE RULES TO INSTALL A NEO-FASCIST ON THE SUPREME COURT. A normal person is appalled, astonished, and angry, but a conservative says, “Suck it up for now, snowflake — stolen elections have consequences.”
Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles may contain intentional satire by author John Scott G and is not fully based on fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% real). Hopefully you can tell the difference?
This opinion piece is Copr. © 2017 by John Scott G and originally published on CaliforniaNewswire.com – a publication of The Neotrope® News Network – all commercial and reprint rights reserved. Opinions expressed are solely those of the author. Editorial collage image by and Copr. © John Scott G.